I saw a friend of mines Facebook status this morning and it broke my heart. Today is her deceased Dad’s birthday. Unfortunately I know her pain very well. My father passed away on December 4th, 2009 and it was the most devastating and unexpected experience of my life. While we all know it’s the natural order of life for our parents to die before us I don’t think anything ever prepares us for this event. I went from being a 34 year old woman to feeling like a 4 year old little girl. In my non-medical opinion I believe this is the reason for my 9 month ‘funk’ and my need for a new beginning.
I feel like I’ve been in a bubble since that day. I see things happening around me, but I’m not really there. I have simply been existing, not living. I think it’s hard to grieve for someone so close to you when you have small children. They need their Momma all the time, not some of the time. Sure you may be distracted and not ‘thinking’ about the hole in your heart for most of the day, but during those quiet moments, when I’m getting dressed, washing the dishes, sitting at my desk or driving home from work; I cry. Not sometimes, but every day. And the weird thing is that you never know when it’s going to hit you. I can talk about my dad or see his picture on my desk at work and have a smile on my face or I can be in a doctors going over family history and not be able to speak.
My friends will ask me how I am doing every once in a while and I lie. I say I’m fine or brush them off, but the TRUTH is I’m heartbroken. I cry when I rock my baby to sleep every night after I say my prayers. He never got to meet my little girl and I know he would have loved her. He would have taken her to a secret park, popped her popcorn and let her splash water on the floor while she played in her little kitchen the same way he did with my oldest. It breaks my heart that she will never know the warmth of his hug, the smell of his hands or what it feels like to play in his hair.
If someone asks me tomorrow how I am doing, I will probably still say that I am fine. But today is a new beginning and I will try to move forward and be the woman my Dad knows that I am.
So world, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?
Smooches,
Daddy’s Little Girl
What would I do if I weren't afraid? I don't know, most of us live our lives with one fear or another: fear of being alone; fear of doing the wrong thing; fear of not being good enough or smart enough or enough, enough; fear of not living up to others expectations. But I like what your doing, putting it all out there and asking for support. I support you Kelli and thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Keli,
ReplyDeleteToday is my Dad's birthday and your words express exactly how I feel. I was blessed to have my father for as long as I did but wish he could've been here longer. There are moments that I hope to have that I wanted to include him in like walk me down the aisle and see him interact with my children but sadly those moments will not occur. The death of a parent changes your life in many ways. (some for the good) It certainly gives one more clarity and puts you on a different path than say everybody else. You start to ask yourself questions and wonder who really has your best interest at heart and who's hanging around you for not real reason at all. Before my Dad passed, I was friends with someone from college and whenever I hung out with her, I often wondered why I was friends with her. There are too many reasons why to explain in this blog, but I had to cut her loose because of certain things she would say and do. I realized that this little girl had a lot of growing up to do. I think while my father was ill, I started to make a transition in my life and after he passed, I realized exactly why I had to let her go and knew that I made the right decision..she was immature. It was like being friends with a 15 yrs old and I don't drink with minors:) Anyway, much like yourself, for a long period of time after the passing, I was really confused and just being, not living. I still think that about myself sometimes and wonder will this period ever end? Maybe it will, but at least I know I went through this for a reason.
So what would I do if I wasn't afraid? I would take the leap and do what I know has been my passion since I was a teenager in choir..I would be a singer..BUT..fear tells me that I'm a little too old for that now:)
Wow Rita,I've known you for five years and never knew that you would like to sing. You should definitely do something with that. The industry may think you are 'old', but there are many ways you can sing. Think about it. :)
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